This isn't helping

As the title states, this isn't helping. Because of course. Why would it? I failed at something again, so I don't know why I'm surprised. I deactivated my social media, at least, the ones I could figure out how, X is a nightmare to work on a phone so maybe I'll try on my laptop tomorrow.

I spent the weekend with the kids and that was amazing. But leaving without them hurt. I love them, but it's never gutted me like this before. I guess I know how my ex husband feels coming home to nothing. No one. Not having anyone to be on your side waiting to talk to you. I guess I can empathize a little with him now.

This weekend was as brutal on my mental health as it was helpful for my need for physical touch. I didn't let my kids go, I was usually holding one in my arms and one's hand every second they weren't playing, usually Henry and Olivia. I don't know what to do anymore.

They're happy and healthy and I'm just... Here. I'm existing and I don't like where that's leading me to. I was hoping, again, writing things down would help, but it just leads me into deeper thoughts. So, I'm taking a break from Facebook and this blog and X... I don't know anything anymore, not like it matters. At this point I'm just talking to myself.

I was also informed today that my best friends girlfriend isn't as cool as he thought she'd be with another girl staying with in his house while she's not there. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand, but with everything else going on, this hit me hard. Alone in DC is terrifying me but I will (hopefully) live. I'm just sad that I won't be able to spend as much time with my friends as I thought because it's an hour from the house to downtown by metro or car... So many hurtful and disappointing things all happening at once is overwhelming. Not to mention just, everything else!

I was right, and I hate when that happens. I am nothing and never was and never will be. It was nice to matter for a while, but that didn't last long. I have help, but it doesn't fix everything when no one will listen. When I'm just ignored and pushed to the side. I wish I was just as strong and able to move on, like other people. Like it meant nothing, like I wasn't in love with someone I could see myself with and get over our obstacles together with. I wish I didn't listen when I was told to let it all go and to trust what I was being told. But I let my walls come down too far and now it's hard to rebuild them.

I'm still broken and still lost. My heart hurts all the time and apparently I'm prone to panic attacks, that was fun to learn. Doing this alone is detrimental and I don't know how to slow it down. I'm functioning, so that's great, but I just.... I don't know. I don't know what to do or what's next. All I know is I just can't anymore.