It's ok to be alone, and not want to be.

Aaannnndddd.... we're back to the gloomy. Like I said, this is a space for me to vent, specifically, about the things that are making me battle my mental health demons. Well, this month has had me feeling like ten pounds of mentally unstable crap in a five pound bag. Am I a danger? No, absolutely not; not to myself, my kids, or anyone else. I just have been trying to keep it together and handle everything by myself, alone, for so long, that it feels like the universe is either conspiring against me, or laughing at me. Knowing my karma, it's probably both.

After my divorce, I was ok. My ex husband and I had been having issues for years and practically lead separate lives. There are plenty of stories for later, but this particular anecdote has nothing to do with him, so lets move on. It wasn't the end of my marriage that nearly made me catatonic with grief, it was the first relationship afterward.

I met the man I truly felt love for online. Corny, I know, but true. I wasn't expecting a lot, but he was interesting, educated, smart, funny, kind, and sweet. All within the first 2 hours of meeting him in person, I knew I wanted him in my life, even just as a friend. We had talked online for a few weeks before he asked for my Facebook. Then, for a few weeks after that, we continued to get to know each other and he asked for my number. It wasn't for several months that we finally met in person at a coffee shop in town.

I was nervous and anxious as I waited there, in the back corner booth for him to show. He had called me to let me know he was running late and hearing his voice just gave me an intense feeling of anticipation. He is in the political sphere and had a fundraiser he needed to make an appearance at before he could meet me. I was ok with that, no big deal, work comes first, before meeting a practical stranger from the internet.

He was young. Incredibly young. I thought he was in his late 20s, maybe 27, and I was a little nervous about that. However, I was wrong; I was stunned to find out this tall, handsome, charming, well groomed, impeccably dressed young man was 24. I was a little taken aback, but not willing to stop the chemistry we had. Despite the age gap, we had an amazing time! We had so much in common and I absolutely loved listening to him talk about his career, his goals, and his passions. It was, without a doubt, the most amazing person I had ever had a conversation with.

Imagine my surprise when he actually texted me an said he also had a great time! After that, we met up when we could, mainly when the kids were at their dad's. It was great! We went on hikes and walks through the park trails, museums, dinner, etc. There was no expectations or labels, we were merely feeling things out. I was 100% honest with him, and he knew I had children and their ages, as well as a divorce under my belt. He understood and was supportive. It was just nice to have a friend again. Someone to talk to about anything and everything.

Time went on as did our "situationship" as we dubbed it. However, I knew my feelings for this younger man were growing. He was a man without expectations of me who treated me like a human again; not a mom or a wife, or anything other than a friend. To be honest, I was falling for him. Everything I wanted in another person, a partner, a man, a friend was embodied in this budding, young politician.

Again, there are some stories here in there but, again, those are for another time. Our friendship wasn't perfect. We had our differences and spats, but once we calmed down and able to talk, things would work out and we would be fine. At least.... that was my impression. When people have disagreements, they tend to talk about it and work it out. Not necessarily make it perfect, after all, people are allowed to have different opinions and outlooks, but to hold it over someone's head, especially without their knowledge, is particularly unfair. I'm sure you can already see where this story is going.

As it turned out, apparently it wasn't good, it wasn't even ok. "We're too different. I don't think we can work this out. I don't think we can get over this", those were the words I was told, less than a week after being told to let the past go and be safe and secure in "us". I realized he was right and I did. The weight of the world lifted off my shoulders in that moment. Then it all came back down when I started my school.

I had a test the next day and I had called this young man on the way home to get my mind off it and to help me talk things out. It was my first test in this aviation program and I felt woefully unprepared for it. Somehow, the discussion of politics came up. Normally, I love hearing him talk about his passion and his views, even if we don't agree. This particular night, however, I was panicking and in fight or flight mode and feeling extra defensive. As you can guess, the night took a drastic turn and I started going off on him. For no reason, other than I was super stressed and I snapped. I have no excuses, but it would be the worst thing I could have done.

The next day, I received a text; the dreaded, "we need to talk" text. I was scared and anxious and trying to make a joke to lighten the mood. Yes, I did apologize and let him know it was NOT in anyway his fault, it was all on me. I sent him a playful, "Well, if you're going to break up with me, do it now, I can't handle any more anxiety, lol". Yea.... I forgot the "lol" part, because of course. Regardless of my reasons and expressions of regret, I got an, "I didn't want to do this over the phone..."

That broke me. In a split second, my world shattered. I was lost. I was in pain. I had stupidly let someone in and it came back to destroy me. I had fallen in love with someone who had just shattered my heart and I couldn't stop it. Naturally, I tried to talk to him, but he's a person that needs space when they're upset, and I'm a person that needs to talk about things. I need a reason, to understand. Long story short, after some back and forth, I was ghosted. The only time I got any communication was when he needed someone to make him feel better. Like me, he has high stress and anxiety, however, his runs exceptionally higher than mine. I was happy to help. I love him, I want him to be ok and to succeed.

However, I have come to realize, this has been our entire relationship. I genuinely care about this man and his feelings and mental state, that I will always lift him up. I am totally ok with that. In fact, I love to, because I have never lied to him, so it feels great to tell someone who you thought was your person, how great they are and what it is you love about them. I would hear him out on his views and opinions and ask him questions and somewhat debate with him, but if I ever had my own contradicting thoughts or opinions, I was wrong. He would get offended and upset and tell me his phone is about to die or he's tired. I'd end up apologizing in the end, not really sure why, other than it would make him feel better and take a mental load off of him. After all, he was still my best friend.

One of these days I will write the most disturbing part of this whole relationship, but this is already going on FAR too long, but I'm on a roll and almost done. Bottom line is, I realized, just today, after being apart for two weeks, that I was never respected. He is a very kind and nice man, a gentleman and I do love him still, but I don't think I was ever shown the same respect nor was I ever loved the way I loved him. I just wasn't a priority to him. I believe there are, were, feelings there, but you don't treat someone you love the way he has shown me lately: not your friends, not your pets, and not someone you talked about a potential future with.

Emotional maturity is a thing. All the education and respectable careers in the world can't get you that unless you're willing to let it grow and develop yourself. There are faults on both sides, yes, but there are some things that I would never imagine a mature, well adjusted adult would do, that happened in the relationship between us. I am not perfect, by any means, I am however, always honest about my feelings and expectations. I believe that's the only way a relationship can work. In any capacity.

I love him. I probably always will. Sounds a little fantastical and childish, I know, but I'm ok with that. I accepted when I got a divorce that I would be forever alone; after all, who wants a 33 year old single mom of three kids? I was just hoping that I managed, or earned, a miracle. Then again, if it seems to good to be true, it probably is. Maybe one of these days the good memories of the past will out weigh the hurt and the pain of it all, but for now, I will compartmentalize and continue to write out my feelings. That always seemed to help.

The bottom line of this whole entry today is, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be single; or maybe, the better way to put it is, I don't want to be without him in my life. I miss my friend. However, I am not chasing. I am not a choice. I respect myself more than that and I refuse to beg someone to want me that clearly doesn't. I remember hearing the old " No boy is worth crying over, and any boy is, won't make you cry". That was my motto as a freshman in college. I decided I need to amend that statement, though.... "No boy is worth crying over. Get yourself a man". I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, who does? But I'm ok with it.