It's Finally Here!

Now. I'm not saying I'm not going to miss my kids. Of course not! However, since they will be with their dad all summer, there is a sense of relief. Not from the kids themselves.... at least, not ONLY, but just calm in the mayhem. During the summer, my ex and I flip flopped schedules and I will have them every other weekend, while he has them the majority of the time. With Olivia on her new meds, that are working on keeping the violence down, and the fact that my ex husband hasn't had them full time in several months, I'm hoping that this is the solution that helps everyone: the kids get an exciting vacation break with their dad, he gets to see the kids all the time and bond more with them, and I get the mental break to focus on work and school and resetting. I miss them like crazy, but I have to admit, it's nice to sleep in on Saturday.

I have made plans over the summer to keep me active and from spiraling. Not everything is perfect, I am still heartbroken and in a way, grieving, but I am trying to keep my mind off things. The understanding that I thought was in my OTHER personal life, turns out, was not. I may feel anxious, nauseous, and in pain most of the time, but if I can focus on my school and recommit myself to learning to be ok with me, then maybe I'll, eventually, believe it.

Things have gone south in everyway they could in the last few days, because of course. However, I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I have been too distracted to focus on work, therefore being excommunicated from my lab, or on school, failing my class and therefore having to jump through hoops to be able to get an exception. I am just accepting things as they come and moving on until I need to focus on them again. For example; I was distraught last week after getting kicked out of my lab and relieved of my position, and being crushed further by resulting fallout. So, I came in to work today, fresh faced and let my supervisor know everything. I wasn't going to, but I can't hide anymore under the guise of not wanting to throw a fellow Marine under the bus, because I wasn't wrong. I was right.

It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I admitted to the issue that fell on me, but I didn't deserve what happened. The punishment didn't fit the crime. I was relaxed after that. There was still the voice telling me all the awful things that were said, like a broken record of a terrible recording, but I could live with that. I wasn't wrong and I wasn't going to pretend to be for someone else's feelings or beliefs. Tomorrow will prove if my act of defiance was worth it, but I don't know if I care. I finally stood up for myself and I'm actually kind of proud.

As for school. I failed. I just couldn't keep up with the demands of this program, and with work, and with my head space where it is at. After the work debacle, I had no one. No on I could go to for comfort, so I just collapsed inside myself for days. Not caring, not focusing, not bothering. I tried to keep face for my kids' sake, and I think that worked. I did see my family, after successfully avoiding them for months. Not because I didn't want to see them, but because of me. I couldn't handle the constant questions and feign happiness while answering them. Anyway, that's a "for later" story. At school, I let the EM know I had issues with my daughter, and my vertigo had been a bitch lately, but I know I was slipping. He told me he could give me an excused day and few hours, and I was so grateful. However, I saw him in the hanger later and told him to forget it, I don't want to waste anyone's time, I'll re take it. It is my fault for this and I am taking responsibility. Luckily, he understood and was great about the whole thing. I told him it wouldn't be a habit and I do, in fact, know what I am doing. I just hope I can prove it; to him, Austin, and myself.

Like I said before, with the kids enjoying there summer, it's my turn. I am forcing myself to focus. I am going to earn my place back at work, I am going to bust my ass and pass my next few courses with flying colors. and I am going to enjoy myself on vacation; I did book my trip to DC. Do to recent events, I held off on the camping trip, but I'll be damned if I miss my annual Maryland trip. I let him know he was still invited and welcome to come, but that we would need to have a LONG talk beforehand. Regardless, I don't really think it matters. I don't expect to hear from him ever again, I would love to, but I don't want to set myself up for more disappointment where that is concerned. As I said before, I am done being used, and I told him that, then, as expected, I was thrown aside. I was reminded of my place and where I stood, who I was, and what I meant. Nothing. I am and was nothing. I expect he has someone else by now, and that's ok. I mean, it sucks and it hurts, but it's not like I didn't see this coming.

I'm sure I'll write that all down and my feelings on it soon enough, but I feel my heart wrench and wring every time I let myself think about it so I try not to. I wish things were different and he was the person he pretended to be. I wish he was at least my friend, but hindsight. If he changes his mind and decides I'm worth his time to talk and we have the conversation we were supposed to have months ago, then maybe my DC trip won't be so lonely, but I don't see that happening. I don't see my best friend meeting my other best friend, which is sad.

I will finally be meeting my best friend from the Marine Corps girlfriend over this vacation and I was optimistic because her and the man I was bringing would get along amazingly! I did promise him a meet and greet with some people I know he would enjoy, thanks to her, and that makes me sad to know it's not going to happen. I know this would have made him feel better about his career choice if nothing else. BUT! WE get to meet and I am hoping the happiness that I see in my friend's pictures are mirrored in real life and he is truly happy! He deserves it, he's such a nice guy and he needs someone in his life. I cannot express the giddiness in my heart for this meeting! I'm hoping it goes well and I also make a new friend, as childish as that sounds!

I'm nervous about staying in an Airbnb alone, in DC, on the ground floor, so if I don't hear from a certain handsome man by, like, next week, I think I might cancel it and just stay with my friend in his house like I normally do. Which is sad and disappointing because this place looks beautiful! Yes, I asked if his girlfriend would be ok with it since they don't live together and he said it would. When I stay over, I sleep in his sister's old room across the hall so there's never been anything inappropriate, but it's a respect thing, and I know if I was in her position, I'd have an issue if I wasn't given that respect.

Wineries, breweries, DC, museums, Arlington, architecture, monuments, caves, hiking, beautiful scenery, a 9 hour concert featuring me, TWICE, UGH! I am so ready for this vacation and I'm debating extending it another day.... leave early Thursday morning instead of Friday and just crashing at "the flop house" as it's been so lovingly dubbed, until my reservation Friday... THAT way, I can take the metro into DC and not have to take my car! Oh yeah, it's all coming together. Meh, I'll figure it out. Who knew planning a summer vacation WITHOUT children would take so much time and energy.