I Don't Know Anymore

I promise, my life isn't at all terrible. I seem to just be stuck in a never ending loop of bad luck the past year. My plans for this post earlier in the week was actually a refreshing post about how I'm handling everything that has been happening. That I've been getting the support I've been needing and the whole co-parenting has been great. However, that is going to have to wait for now. Because, that's not how things have been playing out this past weekend; because of course...

I am by no means perfect; I've never claimed to be. I do, however, expect the same level of effort and respect out of a relationship that I put into it. Not necessarily a romantic one, but all, including familial and friendships. I made several, huge mistakes. All in a row. But I tried to be honest. It didn't matter. I shouldn't have worried so much about someone else's feeling, I should have done what they were doing; I should have protected myself and worried about my feelings first.

I would keep quiet on issues that I knew needed to be talked about or discussed, but I couldn't stand the thought of being the reason that they were upset or hurt; so I allowed myself to be the hurt one. To take the pain and bury it. That was mistake number one, because when you do that, it ends up building and coming out when you don't mean it to. I let so many things slide because I just wanted to be involved in some way, I just wanted to be there.

Despite popular opinion, I am human, and I do have feelings. When I love someone, I want them to know it, and not being able to share that with the person you care about, it weighs on you... it hurts. And when you look to them, hoping to see, not them in misery, but that they see and understand your pain, and NOT see that, at all... There aren't words. That, then starts to build too. Nothing they say is believable, everything has a flipside, a double meaning. You go out and have an amazing time, only to realize, you're lying to yourself.

You gave yourself, not a part of yourself, but your whole being, heart, body, soul, and mind, to this person, expecting to get the same in return, but you don't. The whole thing started out on a lie that stung deep and you were honest about not knowing how long to hold onto the pain and distrust, and they reassured you that that was ok. Take your time. Little things kept coming up when you were on the precipice of trust and it would shatter. Eventually, it got to be too much and you were given a choice, an ultimatum: trust them, or don't and end everything. So you did.

You decided to trust them with your whole heart and put everything else aside and started over. But it didn't matter. They were gone the next week and it was all on you. All your fault. You took the blame and accepted the broken heart and torn spirit. That didn't stop the talking and the rendezvous. The touching, the flirting, and the sex. It was great, it felt great. Until you realize... you're nothing. Nothing more than a dirty little secret to be hidden away so that nobody knew. Nothing to them. Still, you kept crawling back because, despite everything, you were still in love with this person. You still cared. You still wanted them to be happy, and it felt great to be the one to make them smile again.

Not once did you ask for anything in return: you needed to talk, to say something, you needed support the way you gave it, you needed boundaries and direction. However, when the subject came up, "why can't we just be happy in the now?" Why? because I'm miserable and you are living your best life. I'm being used as a place holder while you wait to find your person, the love of your life, your future. Everything you told me I was to you not that long ago.

I can't place all the blame on someone else. I let it happen, knowing what was going on. But I craved the company, their company. I tried moving on how I could and spending more time with friends and family and trying not to think about anything else. Does that ever work? It sure as hell didn't for me. Things are constantly on my mind and they won't leave: how I am a manipulator and just want someone, anyone. That everything I did was a calculation. Well, joke's on you, I'm bad a math. Sorry, poor attempt at humor to lighten the mood I guess.

The point is, there's no accountability. Nothing is being taken seriously. Any poor excuse I've gotten as an apology was never for my benefit or to make amends at all, even as friends. It was to lessen their guilt. It was for them. To make THEM feel better about the way I have been treated and ignored. I'm not asking for attention; I'm asking for a friend. But I was never a friend, I was never anything. I'm still not.

"We aren't a good fit." That's the one phrase that lights me up more than any. It wasn't a good fit is the explanation everyone has been told... we fought and I stressed them out. We fought when I wasn't getting the communication I thought I deserved as a party member privy to this relationship. When it makes someone uncomfortable, then you talk it out. That's what I assumed. Apparently, I'm wrong.

Fighting sucks and it hurts. I felt as if I was being pacified half the time and being talked down to because I'm a veteran and not a college grad. That's ok, I liked listening to the lectures on things I was unfamiliar with. It was fascinating! However, I don't like being told my beliefs and morals are stupid and wrong and this is why. Am I not allowed to have my own thoughts, feelings and opinions? Or are they only valid when they align with yours? What's even worse is that, they had a point. Not on everything, but certain subjects, I felt that I was being swayed. I was wrong on some things and I enjoyed being a part of that scene, that group of people they were ashamed to bring me around. I felt different after I left the group, like I had a lot to mull over and think about. They never saw that.

I was a dirty Roman Catholic Right Conservative Republican. It was always a fun joke, until they stopped joking. I snapped and yelled when I was stressed and hurt and I realize it was inappropriate and wrong of me. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to make it right. I wasn't given that chance. I didn't like certain idols of theirs and I let that go too far, but my opinion on the matter as a whole has changed.

Alcohol has never been my friend. Maybe, it's better to say that I relied on it too much as a friend after the Marine Corps. This weekend was the final nail in my proverbial coffin. I let all of this out at once instead of waiting to talk face to face like I told them I wanted to. I couldn't keep it in anymore. Being used and told you need help and that you're not right or a good fit can only play over in my head so many times before it comes out... and alcohol proved to be the lubricant that loosened the top.

I honestly believe had we been open and honest and talked about these things when they came up, the fall out could have had less casualties. Despite the uncomfortableness, it would have made for a better end. But what do I know? I'm the one seeing a therapist and taking care of myself and using my meds, yet I need the help. Does this person own a mirror? See, it's things like that that I know would hurt them so I keep it away, far away, because who wants to hurt someone they love?

I wanted to drink the pain away after everything went down. It was the plan. Until they showed up, fucked me and left. "I'll be back, I promise". I didn't hear from them for almost two weeks. Want to know when they talked to me again? When they needed support. When work got to be too much for them, they needed someone to vent to. To be fair, I didn't mind because I know how they feel about work and they don't handle stress very well and I still care and love them (pathetic, I know, but they think I'm ok, that I'm better, and that's all they ever need to know). However, I wasn't allowed to bring up the fact that I was abandoned in a hotel room with no way home, because "I didn't abandon you because I didn't ask you to come down here." OH! Is THAT how it works?

Before they left that night, they saw me order a certain test; my phone was away from them and they were watching TV so they had to really TRY to see my screen. Naturally, they flipped out, and I told them the results while they were gone, hoping to calm them down so they could enjoy their friends they were hanging out with while I was left alone, and the friends were blissfully unaware because they refused to acknowledge my existence to anyone who knew of our past. That's when I was labeled a manipulator and so that was fun to hear. I didn't tell them I take one every month because I'm terrified.

It seems like the story is coming to an end. I've had a congratulatory gift for months that I've been meaning to give them when they got their new job. I am still so proud and want them to do their absolute best, like I know they will. I just felt like they needed a little confidence boost and organizational help. That was the point of my last gift for them. I was unable to give it to them personally, and after this weekend, I didn't know if I'd ever get the chance. So I took a chance and left it on their desk for them to find tomorrow. I know they had the day off so I wouldn't be accused of being anymore crazy than I already am. I doubt they'll want anything to do with me or ever see me again, so I figure, if they don't want it, do with it what they will, but I know they got it. I am hurt, confused, angry, and upset, but I think I'm growing accustom to the fact that I'll never be good enough or what they want. They deserve better, but it doesn't stop the pain and disappointment.

But, none of that matters anymore. I don't know how to feel about myself anymore.

"I love you, I promise"... yea, ok.